The truth about lockdown and my mental health

Since lock down begun I have felt as sense of unknowing, confusion and the feeling of this being normal for me in a way. Please stick with me till the end of this huge essay. 

Before lock down Id stay home a lot if I wasn't working especially when I was working part time before hand.

Working in the nursery with children of key workers whilst the beginning of lock down grew nearer it felt like we were in our own little bubble where there was no pandemic. It was nice for me to be surrounded by this. I finally found my dream job after 5 years of working a retail job and I never want to leave. I'm home!

Going from working 9 hours a day 5 days a week with children, going on dates with my then boyfriend, shopping in town to then being home pretty much 24/7 (except when we needed essentials) was very weird, tough but weirdly familiar. I felt a sense of panic as i had only just started my new job, just finished a round of counselling for my anxiety, been broken up with 2 weeks before lock down (oh how lovely) by a person I honestly thought id love for a very long time.

I spent the first 3 weeks of lock down declutter the flat I share with my 60 year old dad; clearing cupboards, constant cleaning, screaming at the sight of spiders (Mrs hinch who!?). Our living room began to look like a car boot sale but many bags of rubbish later we finally cleared everything. gave away a few things to our neighbours, gave things new homes and the garage. (I Marie Kondo'd that ish)

I felt AMAZING, LIBERATED, FREEEE! I didn't have clutter weighing me down....for the first time in awhile I felt calm, motivated.

It came to the time I was going to go back to work...1st May...that day didn't come and neither did my long waited pay check. You see the thing is the night before me and my father has a really weird anxious, gut feeling about my pay, I then found out that same day I was denied furlough due to my RTI going in after the cut off date. As a new starter at a job I began to love and needed for my mental health I felt let down by the government. My current employer has been so supportive and amazing throughout all this. I had been put on 3 week off 3 week on furlough first week of April to then be told a whole month later I wont be getting paid or be needed at work due to needing my final reference so I can be left alone. PANIC!

Instant panic set in and here came good ol' anxiety and panic attacks again. frustration and angry tears became a common appearance day to day.

Since that day I have done everything I could; signed up for benefits, signed up for PIP for my medical conditions, looked for temporary jobs of which there were none I was qualified for.

What the heck was I meant to do, I felt that weight on my shoulders again, I felt helpless, depressed and anxious beyond belief. My dad didn't know how to feel either, all the bills lay on his shoulders again in which I feel so guilty for. I was finally in a place where I could finally save money each month for my first flat, driving lessons you name it. It all got taken away because of a pandemic. I felt I had finally found my feet, no longer had to worry about having no money when i got my first pay check.... I'm now grasping tightly to the remaining £160 I have in my savings.

Luckily a few weeks before all this I signed up to the body shop as I needed something to do during lock down, I also wanted to do it for ages but my broke ass working part time before didn't have the money. My main focus became being a consultant and wanting to provide people with essentials they'd need, a way to send gifts to loved ones they could no longer visit, treat themselves too because everyone and their mothers is doing #lockdownskincare or #lockdownglowup. ME INCLUDED

The body shop has became one of my many passions, I've met some lovely beautiful people doing it, It's been a break away from the news of covid 19, the pending return to work (which keeps changing... im beginning to lose hope) and my negative thoughts creeping in.

During lock down I began to be creative and do little hobbies I hadn't done in the longest time. I joined the bandwagon of baking banana bread, make lemon drizzle cakes (thanks Mary Berry), playing with makeup and making little tutorial videos again, colour therapy books and meditation. I started to become more grateful for the things around me.

I also discovered a few things about myself... my confidence is so much higher to a point I was there are 7am with my phone propped up on my desk taking full length photos to post on Instagram... who am I!

I discovered the kind, caring and rather resourceful person I am.

Ive recently started listening to audio books (thank goodness for free trials), watched waaaaay too much beauty youtube videos...   I can class that as research right...RIGHT!? 

Now DISCLAIMER I know there are people going through WAY WORSE  than me, this was just a way of being able to rant without talking someone's ear off for hours because helluuuur I am a talker!

I am grateful that I still have my job after this... hopefully, that my work colleagues will message me to see how I am doing.

I have cried many tear, swore so many times, screamed out of frustration, stayed in bed because I didn't see the point in getting up from my bed and just felt so low and depressed but I still somehow get up every so often and try to smile, be grateful I am SAFE, I am ALIVE, I have a roof over my head, food in the kitchen, 3 AMAZING best friends who have listened and been there... and a dad who is always checking on me every morning despite him feeling the emotional roller-coaster of lock down. We look out for each other:)

I am so scared to go back to work whilst the virus is still around (oh hi health anxiety) but I also have a medical condition that hasn't been named to me yet that causes me to feel imbalanced, dizzy EVERY SINGLE DAY so that's fun to battle too. 

On top of all of this mish mash of emotions I am actively trying to become more positive and mindful. writing this is like my way of writing a diary and getting it out of my head so I can actually focus on things and put my motivation into something positive and beneficial.

If you got to the end of this essay... congrats you win patience and the ability to read someone's mind farts hehe.

Thank you if you got this far, it will all get better!

Leave a comment below if you would like... keep it kind and postitive please we dont need anymore negetive ish going on thank you very much.